Gimli's Max Patch Confession
Pleasing Poops
Max Patch was really fun, but we never found "Max" or his "Patch".... just lots of yummy grass and places to run around with dad.
I am currently sitting in the back seat of the "Green Machine", dad is driving like a crazy human, and I am getting super tired from a day full of playing on top of the big hill in North Carolina. I wish mom could have come with us. Adventures are always 110x better when mom is around, simply because dad is too sentimental. He is constantly hugging and petting me in front of strangers. It's super annoying and I don't like it at all. Anyways, we just got down the long gravel road that brings you onto the interstate. I bumped my head several times, dad forgot how to use the brake thing in the car, and I may have a concussion so I don't even know if what I am writing down makes sense. I am sure mom and dad will take me to the vet either way. They take me anytime they think something is wrong. If I sneeze weird, they take me. If my poop is extra smelly they take me. Give it a rest humans, I am fine! Speaking of poops.... Max Patch delivers with the perfect places for dogs of all kinds to have the best poops! Let me explain: When I go outside in the yard to poop, dad is always watching me because he is afraid I am going to eat rocks, or sticks, or mulch, or spikey-balls, or leaves, or jump the fence and leave... which he has valid reasons for having these concerns... but that's not the point. The point is that I cannot poop in peace when a set of eyes are watching me! Even the little humans that live across the street will yell and scream at me when I squat down to poop, and it makes me super uncomfortable. There are conditions that have to be met in order for a pleasing poop to take place.
- Comfortable temperature
- Slight breeze
- Soft grass
- Cloud coverage
- Plenty of space to spread the back legs to make a firm foundation for squatting flexibility
- Privacy
- A nice backdrop/scenery to enjoy while doing the business
Max Patch DELIVERS with all the conditions and I have never had such pleasing poops in my life. Out of all the amazing things about this place, this is the one thing I cannot wait to tell all my friends at doggie daycare about. Believe me, we (my dog pals and I) have these discussions all the time about the perfect places to poop. I remember my friend, Baxter from daycare, once told me that he went on top of a mountain in North Carolina where the poop spots were extremely pleasing. I wonder if he was referring to Max Patch?
Uh oh......my bum just pooted and the car now "stinks" according to dad. He is always way too dramatic. Wait, maybe he is right.... it does smell pretty bad in here. Like rotten colby jack cheese to be exact. It's dad's fault! He gave me way too much before we hiked back down the top of Max Patch! He should be mad at himself, not me!
Now he is rolling down the windows to help air the car out so we can breathe without suffocating from the unbearable stench of my poot. The rough wind coming inside the Green Machine from the interstate is ruffling my confession papers and blowing them around the car. I better stop writing before one of my pages flies out the door.
Dad just abruptly slammed on the breaks to miss one of those squirrel things in the road. It startled me so bad that I am now rapidly pooting. More stink is filling the car. Dad is yelling. I got to go.
- Gimli the Golden Retriever